Saturday, September 13, 2014

When you don't feel like you're enough

Well, it was only a matter of time before I had a good pregnancy meltdown. I like to think that I'm pretty even-keeled and level-headed most of the time, but the pregnancy emotions and hormones can get the best of you and they certainly got to me today.

Today's triggers: Caleb's upcoming birthday in ten days and seeing a friend's beautifully decorated nursery for her daughter that made me feel completely inadequate. At least I do have Caleb's present bought so that's pretty good for me, but I haven't prepared or researched or done anything for his party yet. As I propped my swollen feet up on the couch and talked to Jeremy about what we should do this year, I became a mess. I could tell that Jeremy wanted to have a party for him. This eight month pregnant mama is completely overwhelmed at the thought of throwing a party for him within the next 1-2 weeks. Even under the best of circumstances, hosting events is not something I feel that I excel at or enjoy putting together. It's a bit ridiculous, but I just started crying and crying and crying as I described to Jeremy in detail all that we would need to do to host a party for up to 20 people at a a local park. You would think I was trying to plan my daughter's wedding in two weeks and not a two year old's park birthday party. But, everything feels overwhelming these days with all the thoughts, and to-dos, and what-ifs running around in my head.

I need to stop obsessing with my mental to-do lists and actually do something every day that puts me one step closer to being ready for our third child. Hopefully, we will still have another 3-4 weeks after Caleb's birthday to wrap up the upcoming needs for baby Reiss. Sweet little Emily laid down beside me and comforted me as I cried. She complimented my freshly painted toenails, told me how pretty my earrings were, and told me she loved me. Today she straightened up her entire room and Caleb's room (without being asked) because as she said, "I know it's hard for you to bend over so much now, mama. But I'm only doing this until you have the baby." I smiled as I saw her shoes neatly lined up by her door and Caleb's cars carefully organized by his car track. Man, I love my kids so much, but sometimes it is hard to be their mama 24-7. Sometimes the weight of it can be crushing. Knowing that their happiness and memories and family traditions will in large part be a matter of what I do. Am I doing enough? I feel like I'm giving it my all, but it's so easy to look around and feel like maybe I'm not, especially if I compare myself to another wife/mother. (So, so dangerous to do that, but don't we all at times?) No matter how hard you try, you can never keep up with it all. It sometimes feels like a losing battle. Every day just picking what's most important and trying to let go of the things that can wait. Anyway, I was due for a good cry.