Halloween 2014

Luckily, Anna Kate came five days early and by Halloween, I was feeling well enough to go trick-or-treating with everyone. Had she been five days late, we would have still been in the hospital on Halloween. Mom was in town to share in the festivities. Alameda REALLY gets into Halloween, especially in the Gold Coast neighborhood near where we live. Growing up, I never saw Halloween decorations like what is done now. One home in particular does a "haunted mansion" theme complete with eery pipe organ music, periodic fake thunder and lightning, spooky characters and a cemetery in the front yard. The sidewalks and streets are packed for the "best" streets in town. Some of the large homes on Grand St. and Bay St. give out 2000-3000 pieces of candy!

Last year, we spent most of our time at Bayfarm Chuch's trunk or treat and a brief time cruising through some of the streets to check out the decorations. This year, I had planned to do the same thing, but with a newborn in tow, it seemed easier to just stay in our own neighborhood. We had a small window of time to go trick-or-treating before it got too late or the baby needed to nurse again. We would have lost at least 30 minutes in travel time to/from Bayfarm and loading everyone into the van. So, we got out our trusty red wagon and planned our mode of "attack."

While I fueled up Anna Kate, Jeremy, Mom, and the kids stopped by a few of our immediate neighbor's homes. Then, we headed up to Franklin Park area and checked out several homes. It was fun to people watch, check out the decorations, and of course TRICK-OR-TREAT!

Princess Ariel at her school's Halloween Parade Oct. 30th. I offered to get her a cool red wig, but she didn't want it. Yes, this is the THIRD year we've had some kind of princess-y costume--Belle, Tinker Bell, and Ariel! 

Lining up by class for the parade

Mom helped us out with the school drop-offs during the week she was here. 

 I was happy that we decided to stay around our neighborhood for trick-or-treating. It was fun! Trunk-or-Treats always feel a little inauthentic to me. You can't beat a cool neighborhood for the atmosphere. We ran into a few people we knew from school and met a few new neighbors, too. We got so tickled by Caleb's trick-or-treating style this year. He was hilarious! He totally "got it" this year. We pulled him in the wagon to help keep tabs on him since there were so many people out and it was dark, too. We would pull over and stop at a home and ask if he wanted to get out. He was like, "Yeah! Yeah!" He climbed out of the wagon and practically bounced up the pathway to the house. We would take turns holding his little hand. He knew just what to say and do. Since the Giants had JUST won the World Series, his costume was a HUGE hit. Everywhere we went, people would yell out, "Let's go Giants!" People giving out candy would say, "Oh, here's an extra piece for our little Giant!" I had decided I wanted him to wear his cool jersey before the Giants were even in the post-season so it was really fortuitous that they won it all! I never could find any uniform pants small enough to fit 2T. Luckily, Nancy came to the rescue and made these. They turned out perfectly!

Rocking his little Giants uniform. (Dinkney made his pants for him!)

Princess Ariel is ready for candy!

 Emily's trick-or-treating style was more timid than Caleb's. Once she had gotten several pieces of candy, she just wanted to sit in the little red wagon and EAT it. We would ask her if she wanted to get out for more and she would whine and say, she was fine. She just wanted to eat her candy. We tried to explain to her that the whole point is to get a lot of candy and THEN go home and eat it. She was ready to quit after going to maybe six houses.

Anna Kate (11 days old) rocks her "First Halloween" onesie and Jack-o-lantern hat. She stayed wrapped up in the Moby the whole night during trick-or-treating. 

We finished the night early with our little kids and still had about an hour where the big kids were out trick-or-treating. Emily and Caleb really enjoyed sitting out on our porch steps with Jeremy. They loved seeing everyone's costumes and giving out candy. I think this may have been Emily's favorite part of the night. 

Anna Kate's Birth Story

Oh how quickly things can change! We have a newborn in our home again! The weekend before Anna was born, I had all kinds of last minute pampering scheduled--a mani/pedi on Saturday, haircut/color on Sunday, and a wonderful dinner and movie date with Jeremy on Sunday night. While we were watching the movie, I started to feel like I was having contractions. At the time, they weren't that painful or frequent. I had had similar contractions a few days prior that stopped after a few hours. Plus I was still five days before my due date.

We got home from the movies at around 11:30 pm and I started getting ready for bed. Shortly after lying down, I noticed that I was having contractions and they were pretty strong. They were coming far enough apart that I could still lie down and rest, but I couldn't sleep because of the pain every 10-15 minutes. By three am, I got up to sit in the nursery to time the contractions some more and text my sister (She was the only person awake due to our time zone difference.) They were coming every ten minutes and getting more painful, but still very manageable. I could tell that the baby was going to come today, but I wasn't sure when to call our "on call" friends. I was really hoping to wait until six or seven am. I had barely seen the kids on Sunday. Jeremy and the kids went to church without me and then I had the hair appointment and date. Our babysitter had put the kids to bed and I really hated for yet another person to be there when they woke up. Everything I was reading online recommended going to the hospital when the contractions were about five minutes apart for at least an hour. Timing contractions and making the judgment call on when to go to the hospital was new territory with me. With both Emily and Caleb, my water broke first at home before any contractions started and then we quickly headed to the hospital. The labor with Emily was about 12 hrs. (4 am water broke; born at 4pm). Caleb's labor was even longer! (about 16 hours.)

So, I did not think that the contractions would progress so quickly this time. It quickly became apparent to me that we were going to have to go to the hospital before the children woke up. Jeremy called my neighbor, Kristine, and Ms. Pam, a sweet lady we met through MOPS. (She taught Caleb's Moppets class all last year.) Both of them came over quickly. Pam was our on-call night person and Kristine was on-call Monday/Tuesday during the day for us. By the time they arrived at around 6 am, I was in a lot of pain. I could barely walk during contractions. Even in active labor, I was still thinking about my big kids--worrying about who would pack Emily's lunch and pick out her school clothes. (Of course she could have stayed home all day, but we thought it would be easier on our friends if she went to school as scheduled.)

By the time Jeremy and I were getting in the car to head to the hospital, the contractions were about three minutes apart. How did this happen? Seems like they went from every 10 minutes to every 7 minutes to less than five minutes apart within an hour or two! It was a blur of activity. Jeremy and I were running around finishing up packing last minutes items and making phone calls during that time. I had a terribly painful, uncomfortable ride to the hospital. My body could feel every bump in the road. I found myself not even really sitting on the seat but bracing myself with extended knees and elbows to keep from sitting in the car seat. I rolled down the window to feel the cool night air on me. Somehow the breeze made me feel the pain less intensely or just helped me deal with it. Jeremy mapped the route on his iphone and of course the phone would NOT "talk" to us as it normally does. So, he was having to watch the route more closely all the while I'm making him quite nervous with my commentary to "Hurry up!!!" as I cried out in pain approximately every minute or so. Finally, some relief. He says we're nearing the hospital, but it doesn't look familiar. We had just toured the place a couple of weeks ago. Where is the building we were in? Why does this not look familiar? He talked to couple of security guards near the hospital and asked where the labor and delivery area was. They offered to get a wheelchair and take us to the ER. We said that we weren't supposed to go to the ER; where was the labor and delivery area?!! Jeremy drove around some more trying to find some recognizable landmarks in the dark, circled around, and talked to the guard again. She said that WE WERE AT THE WRONG HOSPITAL. WHAT? How is that possible? Jeremy programmed "Alta Bates Medical Center" into his phone, but the phone mapped us to the one in Oakland instead of Berkeley. They are about 3 miles apart, an 8-10 minute drive, when we REALLY didn't have much time to waste.

(The two hospitals have exactly the same name. One is in Oakland; the other one in Berkeley. The Oakland hospital does not have labor/deliver or mother/baby units. It would not have been ideal for us to stay at the Oakland one. I know it sounds crazy that we weren't even in the right city, but these two cities butt right up against one another and it's hard to tell where one starts and the other begins. Also, we spend very little time in Oakland or Berkeley. We almost always have to map things on our phone when we go somewhere in these cities. Jeremy just should have had the exact address mapped in his phone, but neither of us even realized that there were TWO Alta Bates hospitals so close together.)

Luckily, we made it in time to the Berkeley hospital--barely. Jeremy left our car in the valet area. It was extremely difficult for me to get out of the car and walk the short distance to the lobby even with his help. I was able to get into a wheelchair as soon as I walked into the hospital. Thankfully, it all looked familiar from our tour this time. He quickly whizzed me to the third floor and I immediately noticed a half dozen of nurses congregating at the nurse's station. Yay! Help was here! They could see that I was laboring and in obvious pain. I can remember thinking, "Watch this, I bet I'll barely be five-six centimeters dilated and they will think I'm the biggest wimp acting like I'm about to have this baby any minute." They quickly checked me in triage and the nurse said, "she's at ten centimeters." She immediately stopped with the admissions questions and got me to a labor room where I had to scoot off of one gurney and onto the bed. Oh, so hard to do at this point. :(

I had called the OB office before we left our house. I tried to tell the answering service how quickly the contractions were coming and that I thought the baby would be coming soon. However, I don't think the answering service conveyed any urgency to my OB until the nurses called from the hospital with their report of my condition. At this point, there was no way he would be able to make it in time to deliver. I can remember the nurses telling me that there would be no time for an epidural. It takes several minutes for the medicine to take effect and to do the procedure. I would need to be able to sit very still to have it done and the contractions were coming too quickly and too painfully to be able to be still through them. I remember feeling scared about that news. Both Emily and Caleb were big babies, 8lbs 14 oz and 9lbs 3oz., respectively and I had pushed for about an hour with both. I simply could not even imagine the agony of being in this amount of pain (or more) for another hour if this baby ended up being the same. I can remember telling the nurse to "try and try to call the anesthesiologist anyway." Maybe by some miracle, the epidural would come in time?

This labor was so very different from the other two. At this point, my water still had not broken. I could feel the baby descending. I knew I was dilated ten centimeters and I was wondering when I would start to feel the urge to push? There still was no OB in the labor room, but there was a flurry of activity as the nurses all quickly got everything prepped and ready. I remember a couple of nurses calling firmly for a doctor, "we need a doctor in here NOW! This baby is coming!" I remember one of the nurses taking my hand, looking me straight in the eye and telling me that I could do this. That I was going to breathe a certain way, that I was going to push this baby out just like I would push out a bowel movement. She gave me some focus and clarity in moments of craziness. Soon after, my water busted abruptly and there was an immediate, reflexive need to push the baby out. I had read that the pain of the baby passing through the cervix and vagina is like a "ring of fire." And I remember having exactly that burning ring pain and knowing that "this is it. This is what they were talking about." It felt exactly like a burning ring of fire. And then as quickly as that burning pain came on, it was gone. I had delivered the head and with another push, the shoulders were out, too. Sweet relief. I didn't have to push an hour. It was over. At 7:07 am, our baby was here--a mere 30 minutes after we had checked into the hospital!

And then the moment we had waited nine months for. Was it a boy or girl? Jeremy said, "It's a girl! And he cut the cord that had protected and nourished her all this time until now. Honestly, the announcement of her gender was almost anticlimactic because I was still in complete shock that I had just had a baby at all and that it had gone down like this. I had just pushed out this baby! What the what? I just held her on my chest and tried to let all of the craziness of the last few hours soak in. It was all so shocking. I hadn't expected the birth to be like this. I knew upon first looking at her that she was smaller than the other two. She weighed 7 lbs 9oz. and was 20 1/2 in. long.

I learned that the OB who delivered our girl was named Dr. Chen. Thankfully, I "only" had minor first degree tears and she stitched me up which was one of the worst parts even with a local anesthetic. About the time Dr. Chen was finished, Dr. K, my OB, arrived. He hardly ever misses any of his patient's deliveries. I had seen him at every one of my prenatal checks and had hoped that he would have delivered our baby. However, it all went so quickly that I don't suppose it mattered very much.

Having had an epidural twice and a natural delivery once, I've been thinking about how the experiences were different. The epidural allowed me to rest in relative comfort while my body was in labor (which is a wonderful thing.) I could feel and move my legs, but really had no pain. I couldn't really even feel the contractions. When the nurses told me to push, I pushed, but I didn't feel the NEED to push. It was rather artificial. They would count for 10 seconds and tell me when I was having a contraction and push with it. With both Emily and Caleb, I pushed for close to an hour. I needed extra intervention to get Emily out. Of course they were both bigger babies, but I wonder if the epidural kept me from being able to push effectively. The need to push Anna Kate was completely automatic. I couldn't have stopped it if I tried. The pain was super motivating to get her out! :) The early labor was easier to manage in the quiet of my home at night. Had I been in a hospital setting, I know I would have asked for medicine sooner, but somehow it felt more manageable at home. Of course the contractions hurt, but there was a waxing and waning of pain. It wasn't constant. I was able to get up and move and walk, change positions, etc. With the epidural, I was completely confined to bed for HOURS. After the baby was born, I was free of all the medical intervention that comes with it. I didn't have to keep the BP cuff on my arm for hours or have an IV in my hand or the epidural in my back. My back wasn't sore. I was able to get up and move around sooner and my overall recovery has been a little easier. On my own, I wouldn't have chosen to have the baby without an epidural because I was fearful of the unknown and fearful of how bad the pain would be. But, I am strangely thankful to have had a natural birth experience with Anna Kate. I feel like it has revealed an underlying strength I didn't know I had.

Jeremy brought the kids to the hospital that evening. I greeted them at the door and cuddled with my three sweeties in bed. We decided that it would be best for Jeremy to stay home with the kids overnight which meant that I was on my own from about 8pm that evening until Jeremy came back to pick me up the next day at around 1pm. At first, I was nervous about staying in the hospital without him, but the nurses still checked on me and I was able to ask their help with some of the baby care. My mind was more at ease to know that Jeremy was taking care of the big kids. It didn't make sense for me to stay two nights in the hospital. Logistically, it was hard for Jeremy to go back and forth taking care of the kids and checking on Anna Kate and me. My hospital room wasn't nearly as comfortable as my own home would be. Plus, my mom was scheduled to fly into Oakland the next day and we would have her help soon. So, we decided to come home after only one night's stay.

My heart keeps growing as we get to know our baby girl and see the love that Emily and Caleb have for her. Their sweet expressions upon first meeting her will be cherished forever.

I knew immediately that Anna wasn't as big as Caleb and Emily had been!

Sweet healthy baby girl

Getting all cleaned up

My labor and delivery nurse, Sarah, and her student. Sarah jokingly told me, "We have a name for patients like you. We call you 'stop and drops.'" I had a good laugh at that terminology. Pretty descriptive and accurate! 

Finally managed to get a photo in the mother/baby room with Anna.

My sweet visitors! They were so happy to meet their sister!

Emily was very intrigued by the smallness of her sister. She gently patted her head and kissed her. She marveled at her tiny features.

Daddy's girls. We will probably have lots of photos of Emily with the baby and few with Caleb. He can't be bothered to pose or sit still for long. 

Cuddling with my girls. 

Caleb wasn't scared to climb right up in bed with me.

Here's where it would have been nice to have someone with us to get Daddy in the photo, too. :(

Pretty cute even in her hospital issued onesie if I do say so myself! 

Heading home after one night stay! I put Anna in Emily's going home outfit and blanket. 

Someone was REALLY glad to have mommy home. 

Ms. Pam holds Anna Kate for first time. We were thankful she came right over to help us when I went into labor.

Welcome Home Anna Kate!

Nan JUST missed Anna's birth! She arrived on Oct. 22nd and Anna arrived Oct. 20th.

The Girls

Caleb often says, "I kiss the baby head." 

Sweetness

Sharing a Room

Tonight Jeremy moved Caleb's crib into Emily's room. I'm 39 weeks pregnant today and the baby will be here any day. We have debated for a long time about how to best arrange our three kids in this three bedroom house. For the longest time, we just stayed in denial that we were pregnant and would have to deal with the issue. Emily and Caleb each had their own space and we saw no reason to disrupt that by making them move in together prematurely. Caleb needed his room for his long afternoon naps and Emily often played and crafted in her room during his nap time. Caleb's room was quieter and darker during the day which allowed for a good napping environment.

For several months, I convinced myself that it would be best to let Emily and Caleb each keep their own room and allow the baby to sleep in our room. However, I couldn't quite figure out where I would nurse the baby and rock the baby. Caleb has a nice sized swivel rocker in his room that is directly adjacent to ours. (You walk through our room to get to his bedroom.) There's no way I could regularly comfort, rock, and nurse a newborn baby in Caleb's room while he also slept. There was also no way I wanted to do every nighttime feeding in our bed, disturb Jeremy's rest, and not have the comfort of our nursing chair just feet away. Moving the swivel rocker into our room was also not a viable option. Besides, Jeremy and I can never sleep with a baby in our room. We've briefly allowed our other two in our room when they were newborns, but they quickly got moved to the nursery because I could hear their every whimper, hiccup, and breath. I prefer the baby to just wake me when he/she's ready to nurse and I don't want to hear everything else while I'm sleeping.

Unfortunately, it has taken us nine months to realize that the best solution is likely going to be for Emily and Caleb to share rooms for awhile--at least for the first year or two. Depending on the baby's gender, we may have brothers rooming together in a couple of years. Emily and Caleb basically have the same sleep schedule other than naps. We all know that the baby will be erratic for months with sleeping. Thankfully, Emily's room is plenty big enough for them both. I just wish we would have planned sooner for this transition. It would be so nice to have a beautiful finished bedroom for my big boy and girl.

Tonight Caleb was a little clingy and hesitant to get into his crib at bedtime. We read to him and kept everything else about his bedtime routine the same, but he knew we were switching things up on him. After cuddling him and holding him, we finally put him in his crib and walked away. He laid down, but was crying and completely breaking our hearts. He never cries for long, if any, when we put him to bed. We decided to give him a chance to settle. After less than a minute, he stopped crying and I was thinking, "wow, that wasn't bad at all!." Then, I noticed that I could hear a little voice and movement behind the door of their room. I waited for awhile and then ever so quietly turned the door handle. I caught a glimpse of Emily climbing out of his crib and heading back to her twin bed. She just simply said, "He needed me for a minute." I didn't chide her for getting out of her bed. I just quietly closed the door. With tears in my eyes, I thought, "it's going to be ok." It was so sweet of her to comfort little brother.

Baby Boy is TWO!

Caleb turned two on September 23rd! We surprised him that morning with a train table! It was like Christmas morning at our house. He came downstairs in his jammies and jumped up and down in excitement. It was the cutest! Jeremy also splurged and got him a Little Tikes truck. Emily had a Little Tikes car that she loved at that age, but we didn't bring it with us to California. We gave it to Cooper and Maddie because we weren't sure where we would be living or if we would have enough storage or outdoor play area for it. We decided to give him a couple of big gifts this year for his birthday since we are pretty limited with what we can do for Christmas (due to shipping to KY and getting things home.)

If you read my earlier post, you know I was a little stressed about what to do for his 2nd birthday this year. Last year we had just moved to California and into our house. We weren't able to do a big first birthday celebration with friends and family. Understandably, I've not had as much energy during the last few weeks of my pregnancy, but we managed to throw together a sweet little party at one of our local parks. I reserved picnic tables for us at Little John Park and we had several friends hang out with us for lunch and cake on Sat. the 27th. Caleb very much enjoyed being the center of attention when we sang "Happy Birthday" to him! He was all smiles. He blew out his candle on cue then proceeded to give Jeremy and me high fives (completely unprompted.) Jeremy has it on video and I love it! I've watched it a dozen times.

Thanks to Emily Daniels for making our cake this year. 

Getting the food prepped for the party. 

Balloon Peek-A-Boo!

Happy Birthday, little buddy! Somehow, I can still manage to carry you on my big baby bump, but you are getting HEAVY for me!

Stop Light Rice Krispie Treats

A few decorative items for the party theme

Little John Park has a large grassy area, fenced-in playground and a paved track around the park for bikes and scooters. The kids enjoyed taking advantage of all the roaming space. 

Kids' table!

A few of my MOPS friends were able to join us for the party. (L-R Jamie, me, Erin, and Brynna). Erin and I are going to have babies just six weeks apart!

My girl loves watermelon! 

At two, we know just what to do after the birthday song! He blew his candle out right on cue. 

The Fam

He seems quite pleased with the big honkin' piece of cake he was given. :) (Thankfully, he didn't even eat half of it.) 

Sitting with sis for birthday cake

Caleb loves playing with neighbors, Riley and Lindsay. They are much older than him, but so sweet and patient to play with him. 

Ms. Pam came back to our house for a few minutes after the party to see Caleb open her gift. He loved all of the truck, tractor, and train books she picked out for him. 

Caleb had his well check-up today with his pediatrician. It was extremely difficult to weigh this squirmy child and measure his height. Three times he "escaped" the nursing assistant and me as his little diaper clad bottom ran away down the hall to hide from us. Whew! Finally, I had to stand on the scale with him and hold him then subtract my significant 9 mon. pregnant weight! So, I'm taking these measures with a grain of salt. Height: 34 3/4 in.; Weight: 29.1 lbs. I didn't really have any specific questions or concerns for the doctor. As far as I can see, he's totally developing normally physically and mentally. Permit me one proud mama brag. Dr. Yoon was completely blown away with how well and how much he talks. She looked at her chart a couple of times to make sure that yes, he JUST turned two! After our appointment, we had a quick lunch and then went across the street to our favorite frozen yogurt shop. It is becoming our tradition to do that after pediatrician appointments.

So, what is my little boy into these days?

Favorite cartoon: Bubble Guppies

Favorite books: He loves anything related to firetrucks, trains, cars, etc. Currently, he's asking to read Otis the Tractor and his various books about cars or trains. He also frequently requests Dr. Seuss books. He also likes our big book of fairy tale stories and Curious George.

Favorite Toy: Anything with wheels. He loves his hot wheels collection. Loves his trains. Loves playing ball. He's all boy in that way. Jeremy bought Emily her first pink softball glove and ball for her birthday. Guess who thinks it is his? Yep, Caleb has a pink glove and plays with it WAY more than Emily.

Best Friend: Sis Emily. They play really well together--except when they don't! It cracks me up how he can hang with her pretty well at the playground now, going up/down the stairs and slides together.

Lovey: We are still a big fan of "yaya" the lovey. Oh my, mommy loves yaya, too. It is quite simply magical. When he stopped caring much about his pacifier, we gave him that yaya and that's been his comfort at naptime and bedtime ever since.

Favorite Parent: haha. Just joking. He loves us both. He definitely looks forward to when daddy comes home. Loves to wrestle with him and play cars with Dad. He will almost always ask for "mommy" anytime he wants something at night or early in the mornings. He's very affectionate. Gives us big ol' squeezy hugs around the neck and real kisses with a "pop" on our cheeks and lips.

Favorite sayings: He likes to say, "stinker bottom." He cracks himself up calling his sister or us "stinker bottom." Sometimes I call him that after he's had a bowel movement. It's just something funny we say." He's also on a big kick these days with eating his food and declaring it, "DELICIOUS!" Emily taught him that word. He will ask all of us to take a bite of our food and say that it's delicious. (He points to us and says, "Mommy's turn, Daddy's turn", etc.) I've been so pleased and proud of his vocabulary and communication. He can say just about anything he wants now. He's talking in long sentences. He knows the names of his friends at church. He remembers family members' names that we hardly ever see. I'm thankful that he is a smart, personable little boy!

Favorite Foods: He loves yogurt and fruit. He can eat up a plate of cantaloupe or watermelon faster than you can imagine! Like Emily at the same age, he doesn't much care for meat. He might eat a small piece of sliced turkey in his grilled cheese or a little bit of small hamburger pieces in his pasta. I can usually get him to eat a fish stick or two. It has been hard recently to get him to try anything "new." We usually offer him a small taste of whatever we are having, but more often than not, it gets left completely untouched or the "offending" item must be removed from his plate all together.

Sleep: Caleb and Emily have roughly the same nighttime sleep pattern. We TRY so hard to get them in bed by 8pm during the week. It still ends up being more like 8:15pm. Our alarm for school goes off at 7am and I wake them up then. Usually Caleb is already stirring in his crib. Caleb still naps 2-3 hours every day, usually from about 1:30-4:30pm, but he's pretty flexible and will go down for a nap anytime between 1 and 3 pm. Because of Emily's alternating school schedule, I've been thankful that Caleb is a flexible napper. I wish I could say I get a lot done during his nap time. I'm usually completely wiped out by then and take a nap myself for an hour. I also spend a few days a week helping Emily with her school work during that time or perhaps prepping dinner if I'm really on the ball.

Well, that was a marathon post. If you're still reading, thank you. You must be family! Speaking of family, we got lots of little care packages from grandparents and aunts/uncles for his birthday. We distributed the packages over the course of a week or so to spread out the love. We managed to do FaceTime a few times with the grandparents and with Stephen and his family. Thankful for the love everyone showed Caleb even from far away!

When you don't feel like you're enough

Well, it was only a matter of time before I had a good pregnancy meltdown. I like to think that I'm pretty even-keeled and level-headed most of the time, but the pregnancy emotions and hormones can get the best of you and they certainly got to me today.

Today's triggers: Caleb's upcoming birthday in ten days and seeing a friend's beautifully decorated nursery for her daughter that made me feel completely inadequate. At least I do have Caleb's present bought so that's pretty good for me, but I haven't prepared or researched or done anything for his party yet. As I propped my swollen feet up on the couch and talked to Jeremy about what we should do this year, I became a mess. I could tell that Jeremy wanted to have a party for him. This eight month pregnant mama is completely overwhelmed at the thought of throwing a party for him within the next 1-2 weeks. Even under the best of circumstances, hosting events is not something I feel that I excel at or enjoy putting together. It's a bit ridiculous, but I just started crying and crying and crying as I described to Jeremy in detail all that we would need to do to host a party for up to 20 people at a a local park. You would think I was trying to plan my daughter's wedding in two weeks and not a two year old's park birthday party. But, everything feels overwhelming these days with all the thoughts, and to-dos, and what-ifs running around in my head.

I need to stop obsessing with my mental to-do lists and actually do something every day that puts me one step closer to being ready for our third child. Hopefully, we will still have another 3-4 weeks after Caleb's birthday to wrap up the upcoming needs for baby Reiss. Sweet little Emily laid down beside me and comforted me as I cried. She complimented my freshly painted toenails, told me how pretty my earrings were, and told me she loved me. Today she straightened up her entire room and Caleb's room (without being asked) because as she said, "I know it's hard for you to bend over so much now, mama. But I'm only doing this until you have the baby." I smiled as I saw her shoes neatly lined up by her door and Caleb's cars carefully organized by his car track. Man, I love my kids so much, but sometimes it is hard to be their mama 24-7. Sometimes the weight of it can be crushing. Knowing that their happiness and memories and family traditions will in large part be a matter of what I do. Am I doing enough? I feel like I'm giving it my all, but it's so easy to look around and feel like maybe I'm not, especially if I compare myself to another wife/mother. (So, so dangerous to do that, but don't we all at times?) No matter how hard you try, you can never keep up with it all. It sometimes feels like a losing battle. Every day just picking what's most important and trying to let go of the things that can wait. Anyway, I was due for a good cry.